Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.

Indeed, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are conversing Damascus, the town historically recognized for historic culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It may be huge. Huge!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed through the Placing environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We have had attractive ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the finest. But now, we are creating them with balconies."

Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and entirely out of location. Designed by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower options:

A three-flooring Casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour till the drone flies")

And also a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable water. But Indeed, guaranteed, let's have Yet another area where American Males can dress in robes and phone it diplomacy."

In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, of course."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. international coverage analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace attempt because Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though former negotiations failed below the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is easier: offer you Absolutely everyone a collection around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.

In accordance with documents published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxury diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This is often tender electricity," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements less diplomats and even more minibar updates."

What the Critics Are Screaming

Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each and every device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination pointed out, "It isn't that Trump should not open a tower inside of a war zone. It is that he should end applying it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when questioned concerning the task, replied, "You are aware of, man, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent men and women. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"

Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of the Levant."

Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the hotel's landscaping forms a large Trump head obvious from Place, a function being promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents as well as the chin is… nicely, categorised.

Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits soon after locating the building's gold plating mirrored a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.

"It truly is not just unattractive. It's a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Global's regional director.

The Melania Wing and various Complicated Options

Perhaps the strangest factor of the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:

A silent atrium in which attendees may ponder imprecise disappointment

A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with climate Management established to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.

Community Syrians are Doubtful what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Marketing Technique: "In case you Bomb It, They can Occur"

The ad campaign, lately leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:

"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Permanently."

An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:

"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."

Public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll executed within a hookah lounge reveals:

34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"

29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"

eighteen% claimed "where by's the nearest elevator towards the West Bank?"

Trader Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"

The challenge is by now attracting focus from international buyers, like:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll purchase a few penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."

Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional stage will also incorporate:

A Dollar Store of Geopolitical Alliances

Trump Tower Damascus
A Concept Park Called 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Room Based on the Iraq War

Remark Area Chaos

On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Are not able to wait around to determine a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades rather than rice."

Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Finally, a resort the place my PTSD might have flip-down support."

Another write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply asked:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Influence

U.S. officers be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Experiences counsel:

China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to construct a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten involved. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."

Last Views with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

In a closing ceremony that associated 3 camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:

"Damascus wanted hope. It essential gold. It necessary a waterslide shaped like the Constitution. I gave everything a few. You're welcome."